Home is where the fountain of sorrow is

Student Loan Debt Background

I paid my student loans off in full with my own hard earned money during the pandemic pause after nearly a decade of hard work, efforts, and actual blood, sweat, and tears.

I received student loan refund checks that I didn’t request in any format with no instructions on how to return these refund checks if I didn’t want them from the Department of Treasury after my student loan company authorized them to do so without any prior authorization from me in any format. 

Student loan company admitted in writing after 1+ year of writing to them back and forth every single month that they made a mistake.

I was NOT eligible to receive refund checks without specifically requesting them to my student loan company under the then student loan forgiveness program until the SCOTUS decision in June 2023 which struck that down.

Now I am being asked re-repay the entire refund check money ($22,000+) with interest by my student loan company. My student loan company erased my payment history for payments made during the last 2 years before I paid off my student loans from my account.

To all the people who believe that voting doesn’t matter and who you vote for doesn’t matter, I am suffering alongside millions of Americans because of the choices you made to elect a president who nominated a bunch of conservative judges to SCOTUS that led to this monumental decision.

Alongside the other monumental SCOTUS decision taking away the right to a safe and legal abortion that millions of Americans are also suffering from as a result of.

YES, VOTING matters.
AND WHO YOU VOTE FOR, FUCKING MATTERS!!!!

Reference: please check out this article for clarification / more information regarding student loan refund forgiveness to know what I’m talking about.

Dedicated to student loan borrowers in America suffering from the SCOTUS decision of June 2023 on student loan forgiveness and the nightmare of dealing with student loan companies. 

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Will the fountain of sorrow ever stop spilling its tears?

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I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEL SO ROYALLY SCREWED OVER!!!!!!!!!

AS IF MY HARD WORK, SACRIFICE, TEARS, BLOOD, AND SUFFERING DOESN’T MATTER AND HAS BEEN ERASED.

BECAUSE I’m back at the same place. In financial debt all over again.

That I got fucked over by the government even though I didn’t do anything wrong.

In fact, I did everything right. I paid off my student loan in full. I paid my dues.

There was no handout. No relief. No forgiveness.

I paid with my hard-earned money from a job that continuously abused and mistreated me in every way possible in the public sector.

Ah, the Public Loan Forgiveness Program is a benefactor we should all be grateful for, right?

But that wasn’t enough. That still wasn’t enough.

I GOT FUCKED OVER by simply existing and daring to pursue an education.

I’ve seen everyone in my life have everything at some point or another or HAVE IT ALL. I NEVER HAD IT ALL. I HAD MY TRAVELS. A FEW MOMENTS THAT WAS MINE. THAT BROUGHT ME HAPPINESS.

BUT EVEN THEN, THOSE MOMENTS WERE A RESULT OF SO MUCH ADVANCED PLANNING, COORDINATING, CONVINCING, AND STRESS. NOTHING HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME.

Those moments were also a result of Herculean effort, energy, and time invested in making those decisions come to reality.

I NEVER HAD ANYTHING NICE HAPPEN TO ME SPONTANEOUSLY WHICH I BENEFITED FROM. Never won anything in raffles draw or a radio contest. Or whatever.

I FEEL BROKEN AGAIN. IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

I HATE HOW THIS COUNTRY HAS TREATED ME. THE COUNTRY THAT I CALL HOME.

THAT I’M A NOBODY. THAT MY PAIN IS INVISIBLE. THAT HARD WORK DOESN’T COUNT.

I’M TIRED. I’M SO SO SO SO TIRED. OF FEELING LIKE I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. NO MATTER WHAT I DO.

I’M SO FUCKING SAD. I’M SO ANGRY. FURIOUS. LIVID.

YOU DO NOT KNOW THE RAGE INSIDE OF ME THAT CANNOT BE TAMED ANYMORE.

IT IS CONSUMING ME. IT IS NOT FAIR. IT IS NOT OKAY. I HATE THIS PLACE. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE.

I DON’T WANT TO BEG TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND DECENCY.

I DESERVE BETTER.

EVERYONE AROUND ME ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING OR ANOTHER.

I NEVER HAD THAT. I NEVER HAD ANYONE I COULD RELY ON. I HAD TO DO EVERYTHING ON MY OWN BY MYSELF. I

HAD TO BE FEARLESS AND STRONG 24/7 EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.

SO WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT I AM BACK TO BEING IN DEBT……

THAT I HAVE TO PAY BACK MY REFUND AMOUNT WITH INTEREST AS IF I’M A WORTHLESS NOBODY YOU CAN KICK, MUTILATE, AND BEAT TO THE GROUND UNTIL I DIE……BUT STILL HAS TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SURVIVE

I WANT REVENGE

I WANT TO TEAR THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD APART FOR EVERY INJUSTICE THAT I HAVE EVER FACED

I WANT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING AND I WANT TO SCREAM AT EVERYBODY

BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL INSIDE

BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL

YOU FUCKING DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL.

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Will the fountain of sorrow ever stop spilling its tears?

 © 2023-2025 Aanika I. All Rights Reserved.